That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
