No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
