I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
