Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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