so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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