I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
