there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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