We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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