I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
