Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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