you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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