there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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