Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
