That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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