dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
