You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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