It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
