she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
