his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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