Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
