Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There r osticjed everywhere
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
