life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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