I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
