I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
