Four minutes until I can fart!
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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