We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
