The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize