the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
