Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
