if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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