For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Mom said you looked used
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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