so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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