I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
