i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
