You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
