i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
