phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
