3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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