man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just cropdusted the office
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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