so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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