I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
