I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
