go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
