didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
