I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
