the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
