I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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