got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
