My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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