Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
