her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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