i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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