I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
