Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
