her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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