I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
