Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
