I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
