remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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