I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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